Dear Annie: When the Nest Goes Quiet

When the Nest Goes Quiet

Dear Annie,

Lately, I've been finding myself feeling unexpectedly down. My three kids are all growing up so fast -- one just graduated college, one is starting a new job out of state and my youngest just got their driver's license. I'm proud of them, of course. They're kind, capable and finding their own way in the world. But I feel like I blinked and suddenly I'm no longer needed in the same way.

Our house, once noisy and full of chaos, now feels quiet. I miss the everyday routines, the messy backpacks, even the late-night rides home from practice. I know this is part of life, but it's hitting me harder than I expected. I feel a little lost now that the role of "full-time mom" is fading. My husband doesn't seem to understand; he says I should enjoy the peace and freedom, but it doesn't feel peaceful. It feels lonely. Is this normal? How do I move forward and find joy in this new chapter? -- Missing the Mess Kari Shea on Unsplash

Dear Missing the Mess,

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. When children grow up and begin to lead their own lives, it can leave a hollow space in the hearts of even the most capable and confident parents. You've spent years being needed, being busy and being at the center of their world. Now the spotlight has shifted, and it's natural to feel a little lost.

But this is not the end of your story. It is the beginning of a new chapter that can be just as rich and meaningful. Start by reconnecting with the parts of yourself that may have taken a backseat while raising your kids. Take a class, volunteer, travel or dust off an old hobby. Build new routines. And talk to your husband about how you're feeling. Not just the facts, but the emotions. He may not understand at first, but if he loves you, he will listen.

And here is the best part. Though your role as full-time mom has changed, your kids still need you. Just in different ways. Keep the door open, keep your heart open and do not underestimate the joy that can come from watching them thrive. Antonino Visalli on Unsplash

When Help Hurts

Dear Annie,

I've been married to a wonderful man for over 10 years, and during that time, I've grown to love his son as my own. My stepson, "Brian," is now 28 and has struggled with drug addiction for most of his adult life. We've helped him through multiple rehab programs, paid his rent when he's been evicted and even bailed him out of jail once. I've held him when he cried, driven him to meetings and prayed for him every night.

But nothing seems to change for long. He always promises he'll do better, and for a while he does -- but then he relapses, and the cycle begins again. He calls at all hours asking for money, sometimes with stories I know aren't true. I try to set boundaries, but the guilt eats at me. What if this time he really is in danger? What if something happens to him and I wasn't there to help?

My husband is worn down, too, but he's better at pulling back emotionally. I still see the little boy in Brian -- the one who just wants to be loved. I know I can't fix him, but the idea of cutting him off feels like giving up on someone I love. -- Hurting Stepmom Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

Dear Hurting,

Loving someone does not mean enabling them. You have gone above and beyond, but addiction is a battle Brian must choose to fight. Giving him money, rescuing him from consequences and staying on call 24/7 is not helping. It is keeping him stuck with a disease.

Set firm and loving boundaries. Let him know you will support his recovery, not his addiction. This is not giving up. It is giving him the best chance to stand on his own.

And do not do this alone. Seek support for yourself through Al Anon or a counselor who understands addiction. You need strength, too. Fotos on Unsplash

Dear Annie,

I can't thank you enough for your message on Memorial Day. I am a therapist at a vet center. The veterans I see are primarily combat veterans. They all have lost someone in combat. The week leading up to Memorial Day is filled with discussion on how they will honor their losses and their grief and how they will handle someone thanking them for their service, even though Memorial Day is not that. They also want to honor their families and enjoy the barbecues as well.

The message you wrote is perfect. We all fear that as time moves away from the end of the wars, our culture will forget our losses and the meaning of Memorial Day. Thank you for keeping the meaning top of mind. Blessing to you and yours. -- Honoring Lost Soldiers Benjamin Faust on Unsplash

Dear Honoring Lost Soldiers,

Few things are more important than expressing gratitude to our soldiers who gave their lives in service of our country. The fact that you work as a therapist to veterans -- nearly all of whom have lost friends in combat -- is absolutely wonderful and makes your letter especially significant to this column. Thank you. David Valentine on Unsplash

"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book.

Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. facebook.com/DearAnnies